As gay/bi men, we didn't learn much in sex ed.
Sex is such a taboo topic in school as it is, but anything on the LGBTQ+ spectrum is definitely unheard of. We may have had a generalized overview of STIs and some contraceptives, but everything else is up to us to explore.
Whether you're new to gay sex or looking to explore and deepen your experience, here are 101 tips that you certainly didn't learn in sex ed.
1. There’s more to sex than anal penetration
There’s a focus in mainstream media on penetrative sex. It has to P-in-B, otherwise it doesn’t count as “real sex.” This is ridiculous. Define sex for yourself. Don’t let society define it for you.
2. It's okay to vocalize and explore your fantasies... and to say no to ones you're uncomfortable with
There’s going to be someone out there who’s into what you are, and others who are going to have their own preferences, likes, and dislikes. If you’ve always wanted to get tied up, don’t be afraid to say so. If you want to bring some toys in the bedroom or explore with anything that’s been calling to you, don’t be afraid to say so.
On the flip side, “consent” matters here, too. We’ve already talked about that in general, but don’t try to force someone into doing something they don’t want to, and conversely don’t ever feel like you have to indulge in someone else’s fantasies if you don’t want to, either.
3. It’s healthy and normal to be kinky
Everyone has something a little kinky that they’re interested in. Some men explore that kink while other men don’t. But it’s completely healthy and normal to be interested in something a little more “atypical.” Don’t judge yourself for your desires.
4. Explore your sexuality
Not only do you have kinks and fetishes, you should explore them. I’d go as far as to say nothing is unhealthy, as long as it’s performed in a safe and consensual manner, and doesn’t extend outside of the bedroom in unhealthy ways. I used to judge myself for some of my more “intense” desires, but then I learned others have the same desires. Find the person that’s right for you who’s also interested in your sexual fantasies. Then explore them safely.
5. Never do anything risky for sex
When you’re younger sex seems like the most important thing in the world. It also seems scarce. Sex isn’t scarce. Ever. You can have as much sex as you want (especially if you don’t care who you’re having sex with). There’s never a reason to put yourself in a dangerous situation for sex.
6. You can never use too much lube
Lube if your best friend. Sex hurts without proper lubrication. While the anus does have some natural lubricants it’s seldom enough to be enjoyable without an additional form of lubricant.
7. Safe sex is sexy sex
STIs run rampant. While sex-ed courses focus on STIs more than anything else, most don’t focus on the importance of condoms for your psyche. Many queer men have thought about HIV or other STI’s during sex, especially, when not wearing a condom. That sort of anxiety-ridden sex is not going to be fun. That’s the last thing you want to have on your mind during sex. You want to be able to enjoy it and not worry about STIs. That’s why safe sex is sexy. It allows you to relax and enjoy sex without thinking about HIV (or other STIs).
8. Age is just a number
But do, for the love of God, abide by the legal age limit. I meant more on the upper end on the spectrum, age is just a number. Sex with older men (and younger men) can be a lot of fun. Older men tend to have more experience than you, and they can teach you a thing or two in the sack. Don’t be ageist. Go for the silver fox.
9. Try multiple lubes, and then splurge on the one you like
The KY jelly sold at CVS was okay when you were masturbating as a 16 year-old, but as an adult, it’s important to find the type of lube you enjoy. Is it water-based, silicone-based, or oil-based? Lube has the capacity to take your sex life to the next level, so it’s worth it to splurge on nicer lube that you enjoy.
10. Splurge on nice condoms
You can always get free condoms from health services. I used them for years, and I am so thankful for those services. That said, if you can afford them, it may be worth it to splurge of thinner, more comfortable condoms, which are unfortunately not handed out from health services because they’re too pricey. Condoms, like SKYN, tend to be a favorite among queer men. (And you can buy them in bulk on Amazon so it’s cheaper).
11. Explore ribbed vs. unribbed condoms
Especially for queer men who have penetrative sex, the standard is unribbed. However, ribbed can be very pleasurable for the bottom (or painful), so it’s worth exploring both.
12. Rimming is a thing
And it’s probably more common than you think, especially in the gay male community. Rimming (AKA analingus) does come with health risks (so too does oral directly after penetrative sex), so it’s important to be careful and clean as a whistle when rimming.
13. Great sexual chemistry can confuse you into thinking there’s something more there
By this I mean that having great sex with someone can lead you to believe you like them for reasons outside of sex. Sex is a powerful connector. My uncle gave me this advice, and while it’s a tad bit condescending, I think there’s some truth to it. “When the sex is great, you never know if you actually like them until six months later.”
14. You can be multi-orgasmic as a man
It’s a real thing, and something that can enhance your sex life twofold. It takes a few months to become multi-orgasmic, and a lot of work, but it’s definitely worth it in the end.
15. Being a “bottom,” “top,” or “vers” doesn’t define you
There’s more to you than your sexual preference. There’s more to you than how you have sex. Don’t let people objectify you or diminish your personhood to how you like to screw.
16. Sexuality is a spectrum, not a binary
Boy, I can safely say that would have saved me years of struggle and anxiety if I were taught that from a young age. There are many more sexualities than gay and straight.
17. Gender is a spectrum, not a binary
One can also fall outside of male and female, feeling they embody both genders. Similarly, you can be agender or genderless. There is so much more to gender than male and female.
18. Men’s racism will take the false form of “sexual preferences”
Sexual racism is a thing, and it’s rampant in the gay/bi community. On dating apps men often say that they don’t hook up with certain ethnic groups. They are open about their prejudices in a manner that’s hurtful and offensive.
19. Keep a towel on your bed during sex
I wish I learned this handy trick years earlier. Keep a towel close by during sex. That way you can wipe off extra lube or wipe yourselves down afterward. It makes sex that much easier (and cleaner).
20. Femmephobia and sizeism are real, hurtful, and ubiquitous in the LGBT+ community.
In addition to sexual racism people are prejudiced against men who act and identity as more feminine. They can also discriminatory against overweight men. You’ll often see “no fats or femmes” on dating profiles.
21. Trim or don’t
It doesn’t matter. It’s all a matter of preference. Some men love body and pubic hair, and others hate it. Do whatever you like for yourself.
22. Polyamory is valid and not an excuse to cheat
Monogamy is not suitable for many men, women, and genderqueer individuals. Many people need multiple partners and relationships to live happily. Polyamorous people aren’t just using the label as an excuse to cheat.
23. Open relationships can work
Open relationships are different than polyamorous ones. With polyamorous relationships you are open to the idea of loving multiple people. But in an open relationship you love one person but sleep with others, either together or separately. Open relationships do work -- but they require honesty, communication, and trust.
24. You can still get STIs while using condoms
This is probably something they taught you in sex ed, but not necessarily. Unfortunately, you can still get STIs while wearing condoms. The odds are significantly lower, but viruses like herpes and HPV can exist outside of the area a condom covers. It's still good to know your partner's sexual history and plan accordingly.
25. It’s not weird to ask someone their status
I’ve heard many men say they wanted to ask a date about his HIV and STI status, but felt it would be weird. It’s absolutely never weird to ask someone about their status. It can be a little awkward but it’s always worth it.
26. Some men will be dishonest with you about their status
I didn’t say that they outright lie, because it’s not necessarily purposeful or malicious. But I have been with men who didn't quite see the “big deal” in exposing their pos status. That’s why it’s important to be safe and to always ask.
27. A strong core is for not just about flashy abs
Strong abs are crucial for planks and other various sexual positions that require powerful core strength. Do abs if you want to be a beast in the sheets.
28. Your sperm will have different shades of color
Yellow, clear, and white. It doesn’t mean you have an STI. It just means that something in your diet affected the color of your sperm. But, it could also mean you have an STI, especially If it’s a thick shade of yellow. If the coloring is consistent, you should consult a doctor.
29. Erectile dysfunction happens in young and healthy men
ED is on the rise in young, healthy males. Many factors can lead to ED, including substances like alcohol and drugs, but anxiety is also a big factor. You may experience a time when you can’t get hard because of nerves. You’re only human. It’s not the end of the world. Don’t beat yourself up for it.
30. Men can get the Human Papillomavirus (HPV) too
And if you are a carrier, but are asymptomatic, there’s no way to know for certain that you are actually a carrier of HPV without being tested. Even as a man who exclusively sleeps with other men, you can get HPV. So it’s still worth it to get Gardasil shots to protect yourself from the most harmful HPV strains.
31. Prostate orgasms give you a full body orgasm
Your P-spot is a gift from the gods. Use it. Embrace it and begin to experience orgasms that aren’t localized to your frontal genitalia.
32. Cut your nails before putting them in any body part
Did you cut your nails? Awesome! Now cut them shorter. Oh, you did cut them shorter? Great! Cut them again. Nails need to be trimmed (and filed) before inserting them into any orifice. It's that easy to scratch sensitive tissue, so it's best to be extra careful.
33. Sex in front a mirror is f*cking awesome
It’s simple. It’s cheap. Almost everyone has a mirror in their room. It’s really sexy to see yourself having sex.
34. Sex in a car isn’t all that fun
Your head will be smushed. You won’t have enough space. If you can, avoid it. Road head on the other hand… sexy as all hell. Also very dangerous (and illegal!) So do it at your own risk.
35. Sex in a body of water doesn’t actually work
Your body needs friction and water makes it more difficult to have that needed friction for sex to feel good. So sex in a Jacuzzi or even shower, isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
36. Practice makes perfect
The best way to get good at sex is to have a lot of it, and with a lot of different people. The more people you’re with, the more you learn about yourself, like what you're into and what doesn't work. You also learn about various kinks and positions.
37. Don’t ever call any friend a slut
Why? Why shame someone you care for?
38. Don’t ever call any friend a prude
Again, why shame someone you love?
39. Don’t touch his muscles without asking
Don't do this, even if you’re at a club and he’s wearing a muscle tank. Don’t automatically assume that you can touch a stranger in any way. A guy I’m currently dating is jacked beyond belief. Men are continually reaching out to touch him (chest, arms, etc) without consent, and it drives him nuts. As it should! Don’t objectify him or assume you can grab him simply because he’s a gym rat.
40. Become amazing at oral
It’ll rock their world. Everyone likes getting good head. Become a pro and watch your man freak out.
41. Jockstraps are f*cking amazing
It’s a fabulous article of clothing that gay/bi men love. They’re fun. They’re sexy. Buy them. Wear them. They make you feel like a million bucks.
42. Don’t underestimate the power of a lubed up hand job
Hand jobs are so underrated. Do more of them. They’re fun, require (relatively) little energy, and they feel damn good.
43. There are different kinds of sex
Sex can be an intimate expression of love, but that’s just one kind of sex. There’s also the I’m-horny-and-just-want-someone-to-bone sex. There’s the I’ve-had-a-bad-day-at-work-and-need-a-distraction sex. Sex comes in various shades. Sometimes it’s intense, sometimes it’s casual, sometimes it connects you to the person, sometimes it does the opposite.
44. Consent
If you’re not sure, just f*cking ask. When I meet someone in a club or on a date, I always ask, “Can I kiss you,” before I lean in for the kiss. I smile and look into their eyes when I ask. Guess what? It works. I think I’ve had three or four people reject me when I asked, and it wasn’t awkward when they rejected me. I simply mistook friendliness for flirtation, which is why I’m happy I clarified by asking beforehand. The only time I don’t ask is when we meet via Grindr (where sex is pre-negotiated).
45. Pee before sex and after sex
Pee before because it’s difficult to orgasm when you have to urinate. Pee afterward because it flushes everything out of your system.
46. Focus more on your partner
It's the best advice I’ve ever received about sex. Don’t focus on yourself. Focus on them. You will become more aroused when you see how aroused they are by you.
47. No one cares about that zit on your back
Which is another way of saying, "Get out of your head during sex." Enjoy the moment. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
48. Figure out which positions and angles hit you deeper
To each his own. Different positions hit you in various ways and it depends on the person.
49. Leather
I absolutely love the leather scene in Boston. I not only love wearing it, and the look, I love all the men who are a part of the leather community. The scene might not be for you, but it’s worth exploring. I definitely didn’t think it was going to be for me, but here I am, now a full-on leather cub.
50. Size (down there) doesn't matter
Don’t let size queens make you feel insecure. Size does not matter. The prostate is only located three inches inside the anus, so you actually don’t need much more than that to stimulate the prostate. Sure, there may be guys who reject you because your penis is too small, but what kind of guys are these anyway? Not the type you want to be sleeping with.
51. Wait however long or little you want to have sex
If you want to bone on the first night, do it. I have dated and loved many men/women whom I’ve had sex with on the first night. Waiting for sex, while it can foster an emotional connection, doesn’t automatically. You know yourself better than anyone. You do you.
52. You can say no or stop at any point
I don’t care if he flew across the country to sleep with you and is about to orgasm. You can say no at any point before or during sex, and should not feel guilty for doing so. He needs to respect your choice and your body.
53. Sex can smell
Sometimes it smells sexy and hot, other times it smells pungent in other, stinkier, ways. It’s completely normal. Don’t be turned off by it.
54. Biting can be sexy
But biting to the point of bruising or severe pain isn't sexy -- unless you both are really into that and have discussed it.
55. There are various ways to clean your anus
You can use an enema, but that’s aggressive. You can use a soapy finger and/or baby wipes, but that might not be enough. The perfect medium is using an ear syringe (Bet you didn’t know that one). After lubricating the tip of the syringe, you can gently flush out your anus with warm water.
56. Regardless, shit happens (literally)
And it will happen more than just once. That’s life. Both you and he can laugh it off.
57. Bisexuality is a real and valid sexual orientation.
If you don’t believe me, read this or this.
58. Porn can be a good or bad thing, depending on its effect on you
Everyone has a unique relationship with porn. Some are healthier than others. Some men pick up bad habits from porn. Some men can’t ejaculate unless watching porn. Some men struggle to maintain an erection because they watch too much porn. On the other hand, porn is a healthy and fun outlet to view new things that you’re not quite ready to explore in real life. It’s a way to see what’s out there and get a little bit of pleasure while you do. Only you can decide if your relationship with porn is beneficial.
59. Porn stars, even amateur porn stars, have ridiculously large penises
Don’t compare yourselves to them. They’re like freaks of nature, even in amateur porn.
60. If you’re having trouble staying erect during sex, stop masturbating and watching porn
If you’re having trouble maintaining your erection with other men, stop watching porn and masturbating. Your brain might be over-aroused by the porn you watch. Temporarily abstaining from porn and masturbation may be enough to “reset” your brain.
61. Your sex drive will wax and wane
That’s completely natural. At times, you may never be able to get enough, and at other times you might not want to have sex at all. If you see this fluctuating quickly and intensely, it may be a sign of a deeper issue. It would be worth mentioning to your doctor or therapist.
62. Laugh more during sex
Don’t take sex so serious. Sex can be funny. Awkward things happen. Laugh and enjoy it.
63. Many anti-depressant and anxiety medications (SSRIs) have serious affects on your sex drive
Anxiety and depression medications that are specific serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) can decrease your libido, hinder your erections, and make it difficult (or impossible) to reach orgasm. SSRIs that are highly proscribed include Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Prozac, and Paxil. FYI, these are the brand names. They also come in generic form.
64. The two-by-two rule is helpful for deciding on anal
If you’re really nervous about poop (even after everything you’ve read!) remember the two by two rule. If you haven’t pooped in the past two days or you pooped in the past two hours you probably shouldn’t be penetrated. There’s a high likelihood of making a mess.
65. His lack of erection has nothing to do with you
Rather, it does have to do with you, but not for the reasons you think. It could be because he’s nervous and really likes you, or because of something else all together. Don’t think it’s because he doesn’t find you sexually attractive.
66. Jack hammering is fun, but not all the time.
Cool it. You’re not a porn star. You don’t need to be plowing full speed every second. Rough and hard sex can be fun, but not every time. You also don’t want to tucker yourself out too quickly.
67. Get tested more often.
And make sure you know what you’re being tested for. I hadn’t realized I hadn’t been tested for herpes for years. I assumed that I was being tested for everything, but that’s seldom the case, unless you specify.
68. Molluscum is an STI you’ve probably never heard of it, but have probably had
Molluscumcontagiosum virus (MCV) may sound like a spell from Harry Potter, but it's a real thing. It’s those little bumps you get on your junk that look like zits. They have a raised head and you can pop them. However, the puss that oozes out after being popped is the contagious part. Molluscum is not a serious STI at all. It has no adverse health effects. It's simply annoying and aesthetically unpleasing. You can get them frozen off by your doctor. Alas, they often come back and spread quickly. They’re very contagious.
69. PrEP (Pre-exposure prophelactics)
Everything about PrEP should be taught in sex ed -- what it is, how it’s helpful in protecting queer men from acquiring HIV, its side effects, who should be on it, how to go about asking your doctor for it, which insurances cover it, etc.
70. A therapist is important
A therapist is important, especially for queer men, who have higher rates of depression and anxiety, it’s very helpful to see a therapist.
71. The history of HIV in America
Sex ed classes use scare tactics to get their students to wear condoms. While sex ed classes discuss HIV, they don’t discuss its effects in the 80’s and 90's, and all the queer men and women who fought to have HIV taken seriously in America. They survived a plague.
72. Loud sex is better sex.
J. Lo was onto something. Let’s get loud.
73. Don’t be afraid to tell him what turns you on
Don’t expect him to be a mind reader. You need to vocalize what you like and don’t. If he does something you do enjoy, acknowledge it (or at least moan loudly to give him some clues).
74. Don’t let any label define you
Whether it’s gay, bi, or even subgenres in the LGBT+ community: bear, kink, leather. There's more to you than your sexuality, appearance, and how you have sex.
75. You can love someone deeply but that doesn’t mean you should be dating
I wish I didn’t have to learn this lesson firsthand. You can love someone deeply, care for them with all your heart, and even have a great sexual connection with them, but that doesn’t mean you should be dating. You don’t have to date everyone you care for deeply.
76. Foreplay is everything.
It builds the suspense, and gets you even more ready for the actual “game.” Don’t rush through it.
77. Have more sober sex in college
Sex is great. Drunk sex can be great too. But in college, many queer men used drinking as a way to let down their inhibitions (I know I did). Try to feel comfortable having sex with others without being inebriated.
78. Role play
Whether you're into the whole teacher/student, doctor/patient, or meeting a stranger in bar scenario, there are plenty of ways to explore and kick things up a notch. Need some queer, male-specific ideas? Check this out.
79. Explore that nagging thought that just won’t go away
For me, it was dating men. Kind of a big thing… But for you, it may be as simple as being tied up or having your butt smacked lightly.
80. You will have terrible sex at some point in your life
Sex isn’t like the movies… at all. You will have terrible sex in your life. It just happens. Don’t let it turn you off to men or sex for good.
81. Don’t limit your attraction
Don’t say no [insert race or size or anything else limiting here]. It’s fine to be more typically attracted to a certain group of people, but don’t ever deny someone simply because of their race or body type.
82. Ejaculation doesn’t need to be the end of sex
I’ve spoken to many men who say they ejaculate quickly and then feel bad for their partner. I asked them why sex finishes once they ejaculate? There’s so much more than can be done using other body parts.
83. Sometimes sex will bring you and your partner closer, sometimes it’ll do the opposite
Sometimes you’ll feel deeply in love after sex. Other times, you’ll want him to leave. Then you’ll want to burn your sheets, delete his number, and never see him again. That’s completely normal.
84. Your nipples become more sensitive once they’re pierced
Do whatever you want with that tidbit of information…
85. Kissing can be more intimate than penetration
It’s not always first base. Kissing can be shockingly intimate.
86. Everyone’s kissing style differs
My ex and I laughed about how much our kissing styles differed. We were terrible at kissing one another. Surprisingly that wasn’t the reason why we broke up. I kissed more open mouth, but she preferred more closed mouth.
87. Don’t do the push-the-head-down-south-move.
You didn’t invent it. It’s annoying. It’s aggressive. Yes, of course there are submissive men who enjoy that, but as for the rest of us, be respectful.
88. Contracting HIV is not the end of the world
If the rate continues in the US, one in two African American men who have sex with men (MSM) will get HIV. One in four Latino men. And one in 11 MSM men. Do your best to protect yourself against HIV, but if you do get it, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of sex. It’s not the end of dating. Your life will go on. You can still live a happy and healthy life with a partner.
89. Don’t ask him how many people he’s slept with
There are only two reasons you’d ask this question. 1. You’re looking to judge someone based off of their sexual history. 2. You’re feeling insecure about the number of people that you’ve slept with. Again, hearing how many people they’ve slept with won’t help you with your own insecurities. Try to find the real root.
90. If you kissed (or anything) him before, it doesn’t mean you have the right do it again
This harkens back to consent. You need it every single time. Never assume anything.
91. Don't be afraid to sext
Research shows that people who sext are much more satisfied with their sex life in their relationship.
92. It’s much easier to become addicted to hookup apps than you think
Grindr… use it sparingly. If you can’t stop looking at it daily. Delete it. It’s a buffet of men and it’s easy to get addicted, especially if you have a high sex drive.
93. Simple sex toys can enhance your sexual satisfaction in great ways
Vibrating cock rings -- they’re incredibly cheap. You can buy them online or at any sex store, and they have the ability to enhance your sexual satisfaction.
94. Buy a dildo for yourself to practice
Practice makes perfect, but sometimes you don’t want (or have) someone else to practice with. That’s why it’s good to practice with yourself.
95. Demisexuality is valid
As defined by Demisexuality Resource Center, “Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity.” Demisexuality is real and very common.
96. Asexuality is also valid
There’s a lack of representation in the mainstream media about asexuality. It’s important to note that some people do not have a desire to have sex with others, but they still can desire intense, romantic relationships.
97. Not all queer men are interested in one-night stands
The media often paints us all out to be interested in one-night stands. Not all of us are. There’s nothing wrong with that.
98. Explore sexual power dynamics through BDSM
There’s something empowering and arousing about being both dominant and/or submissive in a sexual context. It satisfies some primal sexual urges that can be healthy, even cathartic, to explore in a consensual manner with someone you trust.
99. Don’t ever send an unsolicited dick pic.
Dick pics are fun. Don’t get me wrong. But they’re only fun when you WANT to receive one. Unsolicited dick pics from strangers are not fun. I’d go as far as to say it’s a form of harassment.
100. Poppers exist and you can use them
Queer men have many feelings about poppers -- some good and some bad. They’re sold over the counter (in the US) and you can buy them at any sex shop. They are, technically, a drug, but so too is Advil. Poppers, if you use them sparingly, can be very helpful to relax you before sex. Specifically, if you’re too tight.
101. Sex is just one component of a healthy relationship.
Of course sex is important, and it's also a reason why many people break up. But there’s so much more to a relationship than sex. Make sure to focus your energy on more than just intercourse.