The terms “bottom” and “top” have been around since the gay leather scene got it’s start in the ’50s, but while most people know what it means when you’re talking about gay sex — terms to differentiate between someone who likes to be penetrated during sex and the one who wants to penetrate — what is a “lesbian bottom?”
The terms top and bottom may have been coined by and for gay men, but the broader queer community and especially sapphics have taken to using the terms to describe sexual dynamics too. Even the straights have tried to co-opt the terms, though they consistently get it wrong and conflate “top” and “bottom” with “dominant” and “submissive.”
They clearly have never met a bossy bottom, power bottom, or service top. But it can get complicated in sapphic relationships because queer women are more likely to both give and receive sexual pleasure in a relationship, unless they are a stone top or a pillow princess. And while being a “bottom” usually refers to a preference in positions, it can also be shorthand for a sexual dynamic — especially in sapphic relationships.
So what exactly is a "lesbian bottom?" To figure it all out, we talked to LGBTQ+ sex and relationship experts to find out what a lesbian bottom really is, and some tips and tricks for being the best lesbian bottom around.
What is a lesbian bottom?
Ok, so you know what gay men mean when they say they’re a bottom, but what is a “lesbian bottom?”
“When sapphics or lesbians talk about being a ‘bottom,' they’re typically referring to a partner who enjoys receiving touch, sensation, or stimulation during sex — whether that’s physical or emotional,” Emily Lambert Robins, a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT-certified sex therapist, tells PRIDE. “It’s less about a rigid role and more about a preference for surrender, receptivity, and being attuned to what feels good when letting someone else take the lead.”
These terms seem simpler when a dick is in play, and penetration is usually on the sexual menu, but for sapphics, it can look a little different.
“For some, that can look like being on the receiving end of oral sex, strap play, or sensual touch. For others, it might be more about an emotional dynamic rooted in trust, vulnerability, and responsiveness,” Robins continues.
Just like some people try to peg bottoms as always being submissive and tops as always dominant, people tend to pigeonhole butch and femme lesbians into specific roles in the bedroom, but butch bottoms and femme tops do exist.
“What's important to note here is that these terms reflect identities that help people understand and communicate to others what they find fulfilling, pleasurable, or affirming,” explains Willow Sipling, an LGBT advocate, subject matter expert, and sociologist.
Is it all about positions?
Sexual positions are just part of the picture. Lesbian tops are more likely to be the one strapping, or giving oral sex, but that’s not all the term encompasses. “While physical positions may play a role, being a bottom often speaks to a certain energetic position: one of openness, willingness, and connection,” Robins says. “Some bottoms love being guided or ‘done to,’ while others express strong preferences and communicate boundaries clearly. It’s a dance of power, trust, and pleasure that can look different depending on the relationship, mood, or moment. The key is how the experience makes someone feel, not how it looks from the outside.”
According to Byrd, a certified sex educator who specializes in queerness from Sex Ed With Byrd, lesbian bottoms also want to relinquish control. “Being a lesbian bottom isn’t just about who's receiving or who’s on the bottom physically,” they explain. “Among lesbians and sapphics, bottoming often blends physicality, sensation, emotional dynamics, and power play, but it doesn’t always include all of those at once. For some, it’s a preference for receiving pleasure. For others, it’s about being submissive in bed. And sometimes, it’s just a playful label that helps describe a dynamic that’s hard to name otherwise.”
What makes a good lesbian bottom?
A good lesbian bottom doesn’t need to “perform in a specific way,” Robins says, but should be “present, communicative, and connected to their body” and be self aware enough to know “what feels good and what doesn’t,” is open to trying new things, expresses both boundaries sand desires clearly, and is responsive in bed so that your top can understand your desire by paying attention to your “word, sounds, or movement.”
Women, and femme presenting people, are socialized to be giving and helpful and so it can be difficult to set that social conditions aside be a little greedy about your own pleasure, but Byrd points out that being a good lesbian bottom means allowing yourself to “receive, without guilt or pressure to perform.”
Tips for improving your bottoming skills
- Play with power dynamics! For some lesbians and sapphics, bottoming and submission are connected. “That can be explored through dirty talk, light restraints, or role play—always consensually,” Robins recommends.
- Don’t wait for your partner to guess what feels good. Do some cool exploring if you need to before bringing a partner into the equation.
- Use your words! Sounds are great, but throw in a “Yes, just like that,” “slower,” or “right there” so your top knows what feels good. This goes for if something hurts or is uncomfortable too.
- “Explore sensation and pleasure, not just climax. You don’t have to be goal-oriented to have a satisfying experience,” Byrd says.
But what if it’s your first time?
- Choose a sexual partner who respects you, your voice, and the pace you want to go at in bed. Bottoming requires a level of surrender that is easier if you trust your partner.
- Control your breathing to help with those pesky first-time nerves. “Slow, intentional breathing can help calm nerves, increase sensation, and keep you present during intimacy. If you notice yourself tensing or holding your breath, try exhaling gently and resetting,” Robins recommends.
- Be honest about being new to this. It might help you rid yourself of some of your nerves to be up front about your level of experience, and it will help your partner create a better experience for you.
- Don’t stress about perfection. This is your first time, and you’re still learning, so try to focus more on exploration and playfulness than your performance.
- Make sure to spend some time on aftercare. Cuddling, laughing together, and talking through the experience can help you reconnect to your partner after the intense experience of bottoming for the first time.
- There can never be enough lube!
Biggest mistake lesbian bottoms make
Lesbian bottoms often make the mistake of performing, instead of focusing on their authentic reactions. It’s also important not to push past or ignore your own bounders in an attempt to please your top, this will just lead to a bad experience for everyone involved.
“There’s also a misconception that bottoming means being passive, but in reality, a connected and attuned bottom is fully engaged, just in a more receptive, responsive way. The most satisfying experiences come from knowing your limits, communicating clearly, and staying present with your own pleasure,” Robins explains.
Sipling agrees, “Many tops receive gratification from pleasing the bottom they are having an encounter with. For one to know what gets them going, and then to communicate this information with a top, can lead to a satisfying encounter for everyone.”
What should you do if you get performance anxiety?
"It’s completely normal to feel nervous stepping into a new role, especially when it involves vulnerability, trust, and intimacy,” Robins assures. “Performance anxiety often shows up when we put pressure on ourselves to do things ‘right,’ but bottoming isn’t about getting it perfect—it’s about being present and attuned to your own experience.”
If you’re feeling nervous, talk to your partner about it, and be honest about what is freaking you out. If nerves are getting the best of you, try “lying back and receiving a massage or kiss, and build from there,” instead of committing to using toys, penetrative sex, or exploring power dynamics on night one, Byrd says.
“Remind yourself that there’s no script to follow. You get to define what bottoming means for you, at your own pace, with consent and care leading the way,” Robins agrees.
Experts Cited:
Emily Lambert Robins, a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT-certified sex therapist.
Willow Sipling, an LGBT advocate, subject matter expert, and sociologist.
Byrd, a certified sex educator who specializes in queerness from Sex Ed With Byrd.